Funny One Liner Quotes by Demetri Martin, Darynda Jones, Joan Rivers, Sherrilyn Kenyon, A. A. Milne, Steven Wright and many others.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – T-SHIRT
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I don’t suffer from my insanity — I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you know when you’re finished making love?
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.