Funny One Liner Quotes

Funny One Liner Quotes by Demetri Martin, Darynda Jones, Joan Rivers, Sherrilyn Kenyon, A. A. Milne, Steven Wright and many others.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – T-SHIRT
Darynda Jones
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
I don’t suffer from my insanity — I enjoy every minute of it.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A. A. Milne
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Steven Wright
How do you know when you’re finished making love?
Jackson Pollock
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
George Carlin
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
Mark Twain
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Erma Bombeck
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright