Groucho Marx Quotes

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.