Witty One Liners Quotes

Witty One Liners Quotes by Earl Wilson, Terry Pratchett, William Faulkner, P. J. O’Rourke, Roald Dahl, Woody Allen and many others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
The second mouse gets the cheese!
Terry Pratchett
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….
William Faulkner
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Roald Dahl
I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Oscar Wilde
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
George Carlin
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Jack Lemmon
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Douglas Adams
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Harry S. Truman